I was born in the late 1960’s and I’ve lived in America England and now Scotland. At a very young age, I learned that being different was not a good thing and thus I hated school. I endured the usual years of bullying, loneliness, fear and self-loathing. I left formal education at 16 and never looked back or regretted that decision.
Over the years I have tried to keep my feminine side hidden, In the time and place I grew up it was not ok to show femininity especially if you were a ‘man’. Keeping the Fem in me a secret has brought me many years of great pain and confusion. I have always loved beauty, colours, makeup, art fashion and glamour. Society likes to paint femininity as a weakness, but I don’t agree it would be very foolish to judge anyone by there outward appearance. Many females have used their femininity as a weapon to shatter societies limited perception about what beauty is and what someone who is ‘just skin deep’ can achieve.
I’ve been married to my wife for over 25 years however funnily enough she has very little interest in stereotypically femininity never wears makeup, has no interest in anything ‘girly’ and would rather watch a football match. That said our relationship works and for 17 years my wife has been the main breadwinner and I’ve been the Artist / homemaker. Our lifestyle confuses others but seems perfectly natural to us. Despite carrying out all the historically typical ‘feminine’ rolls, I’m also the Garden and handy-person I’m a jack/jill of all trades and master of none.
Finally identifying as transgender .
In January 2018 I finally decided to stop hiding behind my masculine lie and start the slow process of transitioning. I had actually come to the conclusion over 21 years ago I was a Transsexual a term now out of favour. I buried this fact deep down inside, as I knew it would be to painful for my parents, they simply wouldn’t understand and at the time I wasn’t sure I really did. I know this was a stupidly cowardly act that sabotages any chance for real happiness for me. I became basically a hyper-masculine jerk, quick to anger and hate the complete opposite to who I really am.
By 2017 I was at the lowest point of my life and I’d had some low points, I can tell you. With a shaved head, long grey beard and obese body frame, I was on the outside as far from the real feminine me as I could get. I hated myself and I hated my life. Suicide became no longer a fuzzy notion but a full HD obsession. I only stayed around because I knew the pain my wife would go through to find me dead.
Then In December 2017, I watched an episode of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ within minutes I was addicted I watched all 9 seasons in a few weeks. Strangely the very program that many Transgender women ‘hate’ was the very thing that would open the door, back to my real self. For a very short time, I used the term Genderqueer to describe how I felt. Once again this was just another side step from the truth. I knew who I was and I knew how I felt, it had been at the very core of who I was since before I was even a teenager, I was trans My wife was unfazed and totally supportive and my parents that I didn’t want to upset were now both dead. I had performed my role as the ‘perfect’ son, now was the time to live my life my way.
Almost overnight my personality shifted back to how I used to be a long, long time ago. I was relaxed calm and yes actually happy for the first time in years, I began to smile a real genuine unforced smile. My wife told me she had the person back she fell in love with over 28 years ago, it felt good to be back.
Being transgender fem for me has little to do with sex and everything to do with thoughts, feelings, and looks. In time I may undertake processes to make me appear more feminine on the outside. Every change I make to myself is for me alone, for my own happiness and after 51 years I believe I deserve a little of that. I full understand few will understand my life path and many will rail against it, I’ve always been an outsider and even when trying to ‘fit in’ I never really have. At my age I’m beyond caring what people say or how they stare, I’m just happy to finally be living my truth.
The life of a transgender person is not an easy one, but neither is living a lie everyday. The media would like to lump all Trans people together, as if are a political party or cult, this really pisses me off, we are individuals with different life experiences we all have different needs, we all see the world differently, sometimes very differently, but that is Ok, that’s life.
Why comments are switched off
Everyone can create their own place on the web and spread their opinions and I encourage them to do so. That said I find comments on blogs, YouTube and Twitter to be generally disempowering, unhealthy and even at times toxic. I see no reason to justify my views and life to anyone. I do appreciate peoples support and I try to be supportive to those that inspire me. The fact is throughout history the few have always spoiled life for the many, personally I have no time for such nonsense and neither should you. Let’s make the Web fun again switch off comments